You Are My Constant

The word “Constant” derives its meaning from the Latin verb "to stand with". So something constant is continually standing with you and not wavering. It is often viewed as a good thing. Like a friend who is a constant in your life, it suggests they have always been there for you. But we also need to be our own person; strong and independent. This was what Hillary discovered, and this is her story.
 

Almost everything in my life has been about my mom.  In so many ways she has been my constant and I have been hers.  My tattoo is in her own handwriting and was taken from a card we shared.   Ours was not a typical mother-daughter relationship.

My mom essentially raised me alone, with my dad out of the picture. This is not so uncommon these days but unfortunately there were other challenges.  Mom regularly dealt with depression and had alcoholism which led to her being controlling and manipulative.  To better understand my mom, you also need to know she had an abusive childhood, abusive dad and abusive husband. Being aware of her past, allowed me to accept her and the challenges she had raising me.

In so many ways I was more of a support system than a dependent. I was pretty much an adult by age 7. I matured quickly dealing with challenges and experiences most pre-teens would never be exposed to. Through it all, I constantly wanted her approval. I suppressed my own needs and desires, to try and be the person I felt she wanted and needed. 

Still, I felt loved, and I always loved her back. I somehow always knew that in many ways she was also a victim of circumstance and underlying her behavior was a desire to do better.  I never blamed her, and accepted my role as more of a friend – “a constant” than a daughter. 

Roll the clock forward, and I’m on my own, seeing a man who I loved. Loyal to a fault, I’d do anything, be anything, to be validated by him. Like I did with my mom, I ignored my own values and tried to become whatever I felt he desired. About this time mom developed dementia.  I transferred my dependency from one to another.  The issue is he was toxic. The man was a terrible influence and leading me into a lifestyle of substance use.  Wanting only to please, I ignored the signs, closed my eyes to the reality and accepted my role.

I should have known better, but I just accepted what was happening. I had no self-worth or independent identity. I was my mom’s daughter and his “whatever I was” but I focused on being what others needed, not what I needed to be.  I needed to care for someone, no matter how I was being treated.

I was fortunate to have a family member visit and apologize for not being there more as my mom raised me. We talked about Toronto and university. They offered assistance and I got excited about the possibilities.  

At this point I realized that he was not going to change his lifestyle or habits for me nor follow me.  I announced my decision to leave, not just my home town but him as well. 

The result was an explosion of anger, a month of self-destructive behavior and more drinking resulting in some physical abuse. This made my decision even harder. Seeing someone who never seemed to care, reacting this way to my imminent departure.  At the same time, his aggressive behavior confirmed this was the right decision.

Latching on to my dream, I still found the strength and courage to leave.  I was now, heading to the big city, finally studying fashion and doing something for me. 

Making the decision even more difficult: I was leaving my mom, no longer able to care for her like I always had. Plus, her having once told me “if you ever leave, don’t come back” was weighing on my mind.   

The realization finally came: this was a life changing decision.  I had been ignoring myself, too dependent on the validation of others. Trying to be whatever others wanted me to be.

 
We kill a daisy, to see if we are really desired, in the game of “he loves me, he loves me not”.  I was tired of destroying myself in an attempt to be desired by others.

We should be accepted for who we are, without the need to change our values. My self esteem grew and I learned that my time pleasing others had given me an inner strength.  I now could be whoever I needed to be, but without ignoring my own needs and ambitions. 

Today, across the miles, I’m still her constant, and she mine.   
I look after her from afar, making sure bills are paid and medications are provided. I visit when I can and know our days are numbered.

Along with memories of our times together I cherish a special collection which was started four generations ago.   Handed down to me, are about 400 sets of unique salt and pepper shakers.  My mother guarded this collection and it has become a special treasure to me.

After living this experience, I offer to others in a toxic or abusive relationship: Do not lose sight of who you are and who you want to be.  Be true to your goals, value your self-worth.  It may seem easier to remain a victim than make the hard choice and stand up for yourself. BUT, take the time to think about your dreams and where you want to be. Till you make a choice, the cycle will never end.  We need to exchange the situation we know all too well is not right, for a different life, with a perhaps unknown future. In that uncertainly, we can find our inner strength and finally a more peaceful existence.